Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
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Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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