Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
