my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
