I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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