I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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