david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
