I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
