The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
