no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
