my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
