Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
