Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
