"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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