Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He did a backflip because drugs
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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