party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
