i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
