one two three fourrrrnication!
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sober January is a disaster.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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