you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
