I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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