standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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