I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
