My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
