from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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