I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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