I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
