no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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