sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
