I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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