Betty ford says i'm here all night
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
COCAINE IS GR8
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
