Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
