I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What a fucking waste of an outfit
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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