I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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