Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
