I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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