Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
