Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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