I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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