brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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