I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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