clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
