I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
