Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
