you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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