Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
