I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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