Tell her she can't have a vagina
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
