i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
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There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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