im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
