Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
