I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
