I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
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you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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