I CAN MOONWALK!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
