I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
