just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
