He passed out mid-signature
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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