yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
