Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
