Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
