Cold hands, warm shart.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
